Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Memorial Tattoo

It's been two weeks today. With each day comes new strength. It's God, I know it is. There's no way I could go through all of this without Him. People keep commenting on how well I'm taking everything. In all honesty, I'm surprised myself. I still have my moments of weakness. Mostly when the house is still. That's when my mind tends to wonder. His presence is missed.

I am trying to stay strong for my Mom, really. She has been hurt so deeply by my Dad's passing. They would have been married 42 years this 4th of July. Bless her heart. She is trying her best to cope. I'm doing my best to help her. I don't like seeing her sad. I know it'll take time.

My sweet tattoo artist, Jeremy, offered to do a memorial tattoo free of charge after hearing about what happened. I wanted something that would always remind me of my Dad. I chose a swallow. He had a swallow tattoo on each arm that he got while serving in the Navy.

Funny, I always thought they were sparrows until I did some research. Supposedly sailors would get swallow tattoos to represent how many nautical miles they had traveled. One swallow equaled 5,000 miles, two equaled 10,000 miles & so on. I really find the whole thing terribly interesting. I'm so glad I chose what I did. Jeremy did an outstanding job, as usual! I absolutely love it.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Finding Closure

It's been one week since my dad passed away. We laid him to rest yesterday at Florida National Cemetery. I seriously thought I was going to lose it. To my surprise, I kept it together. It's not that I'm holding it all in. I simply feel numb and the reality hasn't had a chance to completely sink in.

I broke down a few times today. Tears even began to fall as I typed this post out. I keep having flashbacks of my Dad while he was suffering. He went through so much the past few months. This all happened so fast. I should've spent more time with him. I wasn't expecting him to go this fast.

I should have sat and spoken with him more. I should have prayed longer, harder. I know he's in a better place, but I miss him. My heart aches more with each passing day. It is tough. Jesus is definitely going to have to help me through this. I know He will. I need to pour my heart out to Him. I have to allow Him to heal my heart, take away all the pain and renew my faith.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

A Time to Mourn

Three days. It's been three days since I lost my dad to a quick and very agonizing battle with cancer. The pain we are feeling is unimaginable. The grieving  process has begun. Our souls ache with sadness. Eyes fill with tears as lips utter why? and weary minds struggle to figure everything out. Our house is cold and silent, much like our hearts.

To say we miss him would be an understatement. We were all believing for a miracle. I'm not mad at God. I'm simply frustrated and hurt, which is to be expected. We told him it was okay with us if he wanted to go. Why, then, are we upset that he actually did? Shouldn't we be rejoicing that he's with Jesus? I guess, but it doesn't change the fact that he will be greatly missed.

I believe it's always God's will to heal people, but I also believe that a person's will ultimately affects the outcome. It may have been my dad's will to leave this life for another. We all know that his pain was unbearable. I'm glad he doesn't have to deal with it anymore. I know where he is and that gives me comfort, but my heart remains heavy. It'll take time to adjust and move forward.

I am so very thankful for the outpouring of support and encouragement that we have been receiving recently. Prayers, words of condolences, hot meals, etc. We're surrounded by people who genuinely care. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Each and every one of you have been such a tremendous blessing to our whole entire family.

One day we'll meet again, Dad. I promise to take care of Mama. I love you with all of my heart. I'll never forget the last words you said to me "I love you too, baby girl". Now, time to pick up the pieces and move forward.