3/27/2013

I've Never Told Anyone

 
Sitting here typing this post through bursts of tears and an aching heart. I'm choosing to share this so I can heal. I've kept it inside too long. Now I release it and give it over to God.

It had been a long, hard week. All I wanted to do was escape this sudden reality I had been thrown into just weeks before. My heart hurt, my faith was shaken. It felt like my whole world would soon cave in around me. Day in and day out, I was there. We all were. We stayed by your side. Waiting and watching, but most of all praying. Praying for God's intervention. Praying that a miracle would arise out of this nightmarish predicament. Praying for strength and for peace of mind.

We stayed there as the hours clicked on. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. All we could do was wait. You had stopped talking days before. But I will never forget the last thing you uttered to me. I had leaned down to kiss your forehead, ran my hand over your soft grey hair. I told you I loved you, I'd be back the next day, goodbye. I'll hang on to those final raspy drawn out words. I love you too, baby girl.

On June 12th, 2012 we all gathered around you, Dad. But I got tired and my heart was so so heavy. I felt as though I needed a break. All I wanted to do was curl up into myself and stay there until all of this was over. I left early that night, Daddy. Something deep down told me I should have stayed, but I ignored it. I didn't have a chance to say bye to you that night. I will see you in the morning, I thought. Garrett drove me home and the guilt began to rise. I tried my best to push it away. I fell into our bed wanting desperately to drift away to dreamland. I just needed a break. I was hurting so badly.

The next morning, the doctor called to tell us that your breathing had changed throughout the night. She said that we should all make our way over, as soon as possible, to say our final goodbyes. I can't do this, I thought to myself. But I managed to pull it together. I had to speak to him one last time. I had to tell him goodbye since I didn't get a chance the night before. I had to make it up to him. I had to whisper the words in his ear so he'd know I hadn't forgotten about him.

But I was too late. The doctor called again as we were pulling into the parking lot. I was too late. All I remember are flashes of what happened next. My Mom screaming, people looking at us with empty eyes and quickly making our way to the room only to find your worn out body laying, breathless, in that hospital bed. My uncle was sitting beside you, sobbing into his hands. I was too late. I didn't make it. I didn't get to tell you. Those words never had a chance to grace my lips. I'm sorry, Dad.

GOODBYE, FOR NOW.

9 comments:

  1. Oh, Jessica. My heart breaks for you that you had to go through this. I am seriously crying right now! I cannot imagine the pain that you must have felt. From the little I have read about your dad, he seemed like a truly amazing person. He is in a much better place than we are now. You have to let go of the guilt that you have been harboring inside. I know that it is SO much easier said than done! But it will break you down. I know that your dad knew/knows how much you love him and I am so sure that he is so proud of you!! I really do believe that one day you will see him again. Hang in there, girl. Praying for you!

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  2. Sweet girl... I'm sure your father knew how much you loved him! I lost my great-grandfather when I was fourteen. He was the man who had raised me since infancy and completely on his own since I was four years old. He was my whole world and until he died, I hadn't been able to imagine a life without him. I won't lie to you... it doesn't get easier... Grandpa has been gone for nine years and there are still moments when I cry. The pain gets better in a way... as it won't be every moment of every day but it will always be there. When I was a little girl, he never spanked or yelled out me - he would always just tell me that one day I'd regret throwing that tantrum or telling him I hated him in anger. He was right. So much regret. But, with the regret comes the fact that I now think before I speak and act. He was in his own way... teaching me a life lesson that I would need to be successful in life. As your last sentence said... its only goodbye for now. Not forever! I'm positive that your father is extremely proud of you and the decisions you've made and will continue to make!

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  3. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this... you have me all teary-eyed now. I agree, your father definitely know how much you loved him and that you wanted to be with him. Definitely let go of this guilt because you do not need to carry it with you.

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  4. Ohh... my heart ache's after reading this.

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  5. The same thing happened to me when my dad died back in 2004.

    My dad was staying in a hospice during the last few days of his life, and our original family including my mother, my two sisters and my brother had spent the previous night with my dad in the room. We had expected him to pass that night.

    The next night we were exhausted. My younger sister and I went to her house to spend the night, and my mom and older sister called us at 7 in the morning and said we needed to get there. As in your case, it was too late.

    It's OK...don't beat yourself up about it, dear one. Your dad knew you loved him.

    As one who also lost a dad, I know just a little about what you're going through, although all our cases are different. It sounds as if your dad's situation was more sudden, while we had been prepared for my dad's death for months.

    But even though I don't know you personally, my heart reaches out to you at this time. May the Lord be unusually close to you during this time.

    (I found you through tumblr...I'm CynthiaSusan there.

    Heartfelt blessings,

    Cindy at Notes in the Key of Life

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  6. I'm sorry...I just realized that this happened in June of last year.

    I'm so glad you were able to talk about this and release it.

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  7. This breaks my heart love. I'm so sorry.

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  8. First of all, you are an amazing writer. Your words are intriguing. Second, you brought me to tears. Third, I can relate with you on this! I probably won't ever tell anyone because I've moved on through it and forgiven myself. But..I know he forgives you. I KNOW your dad doesn't want you to hurt & wants you to forgive yourself, too. It doesn't make it easier, but it makes it a teensy bit better.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. Because I'm definitely a fan of yours!

    we&serendipity

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