Tuesday, January 12, 2016

This Time Last Year

This morning I was reflecting on just how different this time of year was in 2015 as opposed to how it is this go around and I couldn't help but laugh a little. I had such a contrastive mindset this time last year. I was entertaining worrisome thoughts about the future, I was distraught about what I wanted to do for the rest of my life career-wise, and I even remember sinking into a state of self-pity for a bit. I wasn't in the best place spiritually or mentally. Looking back, I can see just how far I've come.

This time last year, I was in need of a break. Between the three jobs that I was working, I was worn down. When I had gotten word that one of those jobs was about to get even busier, I made a decision to take a 12 week leave of absence from Target. It wasn't just an impending busier-than-usual schedule that made me take a LOA. In all honesty, I just felt like I needed to step back and chill out for a little while. After all was said and done, we weren't as busy as the company had initially thought which meant I had nearly three months off from 2/3 jobs. Being out of work meant not having as much income, but it was worth it.

This time last year, I thought I'd never settle on a career path. I kept bouncing around between different ideas. Did I want to pursue photography again? Did I want to pour myself into blogging? Did I want to be one of those people who made a living by hand-lettering? Or did I want to follow my gut and throw myself back into the world of web design + development? All of these thoughts swirled around my mind day in and day out. It was exhausting. I was afraid to settle on the wrong career. I was afraid I wouldn't have what it took to succeed. Quite frankly, I was a mess at that point. It wasn't until I sat down and made a list of all my potential career choices along with the pros + cons of each that I realized that my heart was in web design. After a couple months of agony and anxiety, I had finally settled on something I felt at peace about. And, boy, did it feel good!

This time last year, I felt as though I was alone. In all reality, I wasn't alone. My husband is great at supporting + encouraging me, but that didn't necessarily stop me from feeling like I was going through things alone. He knew what he wanted to do with the rest of his life, I didn't. He had made a game plan, I felt I couldn't make one until I was sure of what I wanted to do. As much as he desired to help me, I couldn't accept his encouragement because I felt like he didn't understand what I was going through at the time. Obviously God hadn't left me alone either, but I felt like He was a million miles away from me then.

This time last year, I was so unsure of myself. Although I still struggle with this off and on, I will never be as unsure of myself as I was back then. I can say that the root of my problem was my thought life. I allowed doubt to rule my mind. I know now that I could have saved myself from myself if only I had managed to think positively about myself (now that's a tongue twister). I've got what it takes to do what needs to be done no matter what life throws at me. With the grace + power of God backing me, I can do anything I set my mind to. I just wish I would have realized that this time last year.

This time last year, I felt uneasy. This kind of ties in with the last point I made. I was so passive in my thinking. Any time a troubled thought would pop into my mind, I would entertain it instead of fighting it. I would spend too much time dwelling on these negative thoughts and it would, in turn, make me feel uneasy about everything I was facing during this time last year.

Do you ever take the time to reflect on how you were a week, a month or even a year ago?

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